In Quest of Her

Initiate, SURVIVAL MODE!

For the past six years, I’ve been in complete survival mode. Just stuck in a routine lifestyle, and afraid of deviating in an attempt to avoid failure. My schedule was like clockwork. I work about eight to ten hours a day, go home, eat, sleep then repeat – week after week. Friday comes along and it feels like FREEDOM. I joyously jump with excitement in the back of my mind feeling like I’ve escaped real life responsibilities for a moment. Well only to close my eyes then wake up to realize it’s Sunday evening. I haven’t cooked dinner; clothes are still in the washer, and I haven’t done anything productive all weekend.

I HATE IT HERE!

As some say, “Time waits for no one” and there I was disingenuously smiling and waving it goodbye as it passed me. Trapped, in a never-ending rotation of…Sunday’s. And although I’m grateful for my job and all that I had, I slowly began to feel empty, stagnant, and bored. The urge to want to break free from my norm crept up on me and I so desperately wanted to make a change, but how? I didn’t know how or where to begin. Self-doubt and fear held me back. My confidence was at an all-time low, insecurities prevented me from moving forward and my anxiety was there as a constant reminder that something undesirable could come from this. It was exhausting AF! I attempted to discard those thoughts and feelings as my lifestyle would never allow for it. It worked…but only for a while.

Despite obtaining and achieving things I once thought of as “dreams” I still had this overwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction. Honestly, I felt guilty and ashamed about it. How dare I not be grateful for what I had; a decent career, home, car, and consistent income that paid for it all, like, what more could I possibly want? But there was something else, almost like a burning sensation, I could feel it.

For a moment I thought those feelings were exclusive to my profession, but it wasn’t. It applied to every aspect of my life. I wasn’t fulfilled in any area when I really thought about it. Operating on autopilot with a mental blindfold on became effortless, so easy that I hadn’t even realized I was blinded, yet. There was absolutely no part of myself that I understood anymore. In my own flesh, I was unrecognizable. There were days when I’d stare in the mirror and if I hadn’t known my name, I’d swear I was staring at a stranger. I would say I lost myself but to be honest, I’ve never known who I was. Here I am 28 years of age and I never questioned it. Then one day, I just did and in that moment, my life changed forever.