In Quest of Her

I immediately revert back to my childhood when I make an attempt at answering this question. Once I form my opinion of what I THINK a good mother is, I then analyze whether me and my own mother fit the description.

I do.

She Does.

She cared for me, provided my basic needs, created beautiful memories with me and overall I could sense her unconditional love for me. She attempted to provide for me what her mother could not and most times she succeeded.

Like most of us, she was not exempt from faults and imperfections. It wasn’t until I became an adult when I realized how her unhealed traumas leaked into the lives of my brothers and I. A mark was left for sure but I understand and I’m aware of how unintentional it was.

She is a GREAT MOM because I KNOW, She did the very best she could with what she had and knew how to do.

As a mother now, I try my hardest to express my love for my child in ways that he can understand. I strive to be there in ways my mother was not but I don’t always get it right because just like my mother, and like your mother too perhaps, I am not exempt from from faults and imperfections. I make mistakes and I don’t always understand what he needs from me. What I do get right though is that I try my damned hardest. I seek healing ❤️‍🩹 from own traumas so I don’t create any for him and I apologize when I am wrong. So here it is:

My definition of a good mother is a mother who actively tries to be their best and apologize for when they are unable to be. A good mother is not a perfect mother but she’s a trying mother.

–Athlenaha

So to all my mommies out there including my own, thank you for doing your very best!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

I’ve been on this healing journey for a couple of years now and let me tell you, I’ve struggled all kinds of ways and in some shape or form, I continue to occasionally. One thing I’ve come to learn and accept is that at some point it ends and at another it begins again.

I get back up, dust myself off and attempt to heal what time could not. I mentally and physically prepare for the inevitable and I do my best to enjoy the good times.

*DEEP BREATH*

Alright, here goes nothing.

I had mixed feelings after creating my page. Allowing for my authentic and not so perfect self to be openly displayed for the world made me feel excited and seen but also disgusted and ashamed all at the same time. Crazy, right? I was excited that I actually stepped outside my comfort zone to do something I’ve always wanted to do which was write, but I was disgusted as I still struggled with confidence. It was hard knowing I had broadcasted parts of myself, I would normally like to keep “private”.

It’s been almost nine months since I first went public and in those nine months I waited to gain the confidence to publish a post. I waited to feel better, I waited to be in a better headspace and I waited to make an astronomical amount of progress to share with you all but none of that ever happened. The confidence never came and I’m still in the same headspace as I was when I first created this.

I’m beginning to learn that though I didn’t progress as much as I’d hope in the past nine months, I still made some progress and some is a hell of a lot better than none at all. I’ve managed to maintain a healthy diet and my weight. My relationship with others like my family and friends is healthy and I. Am. Doing. Okay.

My problem is when I fall off my square I beat myself up so badly that I end up bruising my own confidence. It’s hard to get back up when you’re the one that’s steady knocking yourself down.

So recently I’ve started practicing the art of giving myself grace. It sounds easy enough but for myself and I’m sure other out there, it’s hard! Let’s face it , Kicking yourself while you’re already down does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for no one, especially yourself. In the time spent doing that you could be spending it on redirecting your attention to finding ways to get back on track and at the end of the day that is all that matters. Life is going to just happen and you along with myself, have to accept there will be some days shit just doesn’t go as planned. The sooner you and I accept that, the easier it becomes to pick yourself back up.

9 months is a looong time to be away and a ton has happened since then. There were a lot of ups and downs, definitely more downs than ups, but there was SOME progress and I’d love to share with you all:

• I got back into the nutrition program! I had such a good first run that I was eager to give it go again. I work with my best friend and though she’s awesome bestie, she’s an even better coach! Thanks Kit-Kat! Feel free to check her out on instagram at https://instagram.com/kaymil.fit?utm_medium=copy_link
• I turned 28 in January! Okay, it’s not a huge one but I think we should celebrate making it another year every year, right ? (Find my birthday pics below)
• I’ve been exploring some writing jobs and internships and have gotten some pretty positive feedback so fingers crossed guys!

While these aren’t huge accomplishments to some, they are to me because despite the several mental breakdowns and my lack of kindness to myself, I got my ass back on track and showed up for myself yet again, SO HORRAY FOR ME AND THE REST OF YOU WHO CONTINUOUSLY GET BACK UP!

See you next time!