Do you need time?

Time is granted. I need freedom to enjoy it.

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When I experience emotions like sadness, anger, and even JOY, I feel them on a more intense level than the average person. It’s not because I choose to; it’s just how my brain is wired. Over the years, I have learned to manage how I respond to the intensity, but I still feel it. Due to my low levels of dopamine, I actively search for healthy ways to increase it consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I replay a song I like over and over again, I try to spend as much time alone as I can, or I go on nature walks. Subconsciously, I suck my thumb, play with my ear, or someone’s elbow (don’t worry, these people are usually people I know). Most of the time, the thumb sucking and ear touching are paired with popping my other thumb. I’m not sure why, but if I had to guess, I would assume it’s some sort of sensory-seeking pattern. The way my fingertips search for a spot that’s just cold enough to calm me is a little ritual I never outgrew, and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t. I’d probably be in a “special” home if I had. When I bend my thumb just right until it makes a popping sound, it’s not a knuckle crack; it’s something else. A sound that feels like a small exhale. It’s strange, maybe. But it’s mine. And in those small moments, it brings me a joy that doesn’t ask for explanation.

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Some months ago, for some random reason I became fixated on aviation. I’ve never had the desire to be a pilot before that. I went all the way, researching the field, looking for programs/schools, joining social media groups, events, and discovery flights. I went full force until I went for the AME (Aviation Medical Exam). I was told I failed the vision part of the exam and needed to pay a visit to the eye doctor to see if it could be corrected. It couldn’t. It was beyond repair, so I was told. I didn’t fight it; I knew I was visually impaired but not to the extent of it being irreversible. I cried for a good day and a half, but I eventually let it go. It’s already a dangerous profession, and I didn’t want my blindness adding to the risk factor. Anyway, I would have been denied by the FAA anyway.

Some of my most recent curiosities have been everything, really, especially financial wellness because, as stated in a previous post, I am unwell. God forbid a girl wants to live like money grows on trees.

How would you describe yourself to someone who can’t see you?

If they asked and only if they’d ask I’d say…

I’m slim thick wit a fat ah—-

I’m just kidding (not really) 🤭

But by the time they would have asked me to describe what I looked like, they would have already felt how beautiful my spirit and energy was.

I’m tall, a smidge taller than an average American man and I wear it beautifully. Coily brown hair but the style depends on my mood, the weather and my activities for the day. Sometimes it’s straight, braided, twisted, space buns, top knot, Bantu knots, half up-half down. It’s NEVER completely down in the summer. But I ALWAYS have my swoops or what others may call (baby hairs). I’d allow them to GENTLY feel it to guess the style.

I have blemishes here and there but I have smooth brown skin and teddy bear brown eyes. I’ve been told I smell like chocolate and essential oils. Perfectly arched (colored in) eyebrows, lips lined with two different liners and a coat of gloss to top off my signature. I have a cute button nose that turns red in the winter. I have slightly larger than average ears but it fits my face fine… now at least. Earrings are a must and I wear them religiously.

My teeth a really straight and I have a smile that is quite large, I’m one of those people whose top lip disappears and cheeks grow 3x their size when I smile. I love it. So would they, I think.

(The photo above is NOT me btw)

Write about a random act of kindness you’ve done for someone.

You ever been standing in line behind someone and their card declines or they stand there searching through their purse of wallet for a little too long and you can see they panic set in their face? Yea, well that’s me. I don’t carry purses but I have an over the shoulder wallet that I use or an actual backpack and it’s never organized. I panic every time it’s my turn to pay. I stand there searching through my purse looking for a card to use but it’s barely anything on any of them. At this point I’m swiping with my fingers crossed.

That’s my life now. I should be ashamed but I’m not. Shame is useless in this case. Feeling ashamed would suggest my worth has dropped because of it and I am not my circumstances However, I do take accountability.

BUT there was a time when I had more than enough. And my favorite thing to do was randomly help strangers any chance I got. No real reason why other than it felt like something I was supposed to do, not like in an obligatory way but in a this is what feels right to my spirit kind of way. I don’t think about money being this thing I hold onto, I think of it as a tool to help people. So a lot of the times I used it for that.

Once, I stood in the self checkout line behind what seemed to be a father and daughter. I didn’t analyze them too much and I didn’t make any assumptions about their situation. I simply asked if they would allow me to pay for the items, they looked at me in confusion and after some hesitancy and my insistence the father agreed. I paid for their items and went about my day.

Now, if you’re wondering if my instinct to help random strangers has caused the financial dumpster fire I’m in, it’s not lol.

Life happens you know.

What do you listen to while you work?

Depends on the mood I’m in and the goal I’m trying to achieve for the day. Lately, classical music has aided me in getting whatever job done.

In high school I played violin in Orchestra and while I enjoyed learning the instrument, I was never a huge fan of the genre itself.

It was until recently that I came across a composer sharing a piece of his that literally made me want to explode into glitter. It’s like I could feel the dopamine flood my brain and gently embrace it. It was profoundly the most beautiful piece of music I’ve ever heard and I wanted to hear more like it. I searched and so far I’ve come across a few composers I really like whose score is on repeat ESPECIALLY when I’m working.

One thing I learned about having ADHD and being sensory seeking, music just hits so different for me. I’m able to lock into every instrument and every sound and thanks to something called (frisson– a neurochemical reaction tied to intense emotional stimulation) I’m able to feel it so deeply.

If you’re interested in knowing which song I’m referring to it’s called Firn by Julien Verschooris. Give it a listen and tell me what you think. Did you feel it?

How do you practice self-care

Destroy to Become

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“To become the person you want to be you must destroy the person you are.”

I’m currently destroying everything I thought I was- to become who I know I’m meant to be.

What self-care used to look like

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Self care for me looked like taking the day off and ceasing the urge to be “productive” occasionally.

It looked like eating healthy and wholesome food to properly nourish my body.

“Everything showers” were a must at least once a month. (The girlies know what I’m referring to when I say that, if you don’t know…well, too bad.)

It looked like going to therapy to help work through things I couldn’t alone; It’s amazing the things you learn about yourself when you’re in a safe space to express openly.

Exercising with dance and longs walks in nature.

Saying absolutely the fuck not when I wanted to say no instead of consistently overriding how I felt to appease others.

I self cared so hard I rose in love with myself.

Then… I hit a wall.

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I thought I’d done all the work necessary but that illusion crumbled before me.

There were things and people I no longer aligned with but the love and attachment kept me tethered even though my intuition had me chocked at the collar.

My Higher Self Stepped In

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I ignored her for a while- well I tried to at least but before I knew it, when she couldn’t reach me in my waking life, she flooded me with dream that woke me up in tears. No, not a tear or two but gut wrenching sobs from the pits of my soul like my body knew the truth my mind was refusing to accept.

I was forced to keep my eyes open when I literally wanted to glue them shut because “what do you burn it all down? Isn’t there another way?”

The Truth I Couldn’t Ignore

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If I did not take heed it was made clear that I’d spend the rest of my life in deep regret, stuck in a loop of almosts and emotional debt. That was a risk I was unwilling to take.

My children are watching.

I’ve been burning down my life for at least a month now and it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps backwards but something in me (my higher self) is reminding me that it’s only to be a million steps ahead later

I am no longer tending to the versions of me that were built to survive. I am walking forward and barefoot into the life I was born to claim.; from the ashes I WILL RISE.

Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?

No one can be you better than, YOU.

In that sense, everyone is unique. However, those who truly embody this truth—who deeply overstand it—stand out the most.

They radiate confidence, fully aware that there is no one quite like them. Their identity isn’t shaped by external opinions but by an unshakable understanding of who they are. They move through the world as whoever or whatever they choose to be, untouchable by the judgments of others.

To me, those are the most unique people.

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

My little ❤️ got excited just reading this prompt.

“The Container Store”

The way cleaning, organizing, alphabetizing and color coding scratches that itch in my brain is orgasmic.

It’s THEE (my) ULTIMATE hyper- fixation

Thinking about all the things in my home that I could stock and arrange with the containers from there is literally….

A damn dream 😑

Because I can’t afford that place.

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

Not that it was difficult because I didn’t want to let go, rather it was difficult because I was initially afraid of how others would judge or perceive me.

Now… I’ve never been the type to be easily swayed in one direction or another because of another’s opinion of me but there were the opinions of my family and friends that mattered to me and for a moment and I mean for a moment, I struggled to imagine disappointing them.

That phase was my religious phase.

The day came where I denounced my Christian/Baptist faith. They wondered why of course and my answer was always: “I got tired of being in a abusive relationship with the God of that religion”

It was heartbreaking watching family and friends look at me in disgust as if somehow my lack of faith made my lifelong proven track record of being a good person null and void.

It was also freeing being released of the shackles of fear, shame and control. According to them I was on an express train straight to Hell but if that’s where Im meant to go for simply not adopting the teachings of Christianity despite my heart and character, then so be it.

Because that is NOT love, it’s MANIPULATION.