Flames sparkled in her eyes as she watched remnants of her life crisp and then fall away.
After her tears carried away the reflection of the flames she smirked, turned and walked away.
The home she worked so hard to build-gone. The relationship she held onto far past its expiration date-released and the version of herself kept trying to hold everyone together…finally laid to rest.
It broke everything in her to pack up memories, uproot her babies and walk away from the man she loved but could no longer lose herself for. Every decision felt like ripping out a piece of her own history.
She stepped out of the ashes with her shadow integrated, her softness reclaimed and her sovereignty intact.
She learned that sometimes the hardest part of becoming is letting the old version of you die while you’re still alive.
In that fire, she didn’t burn. She clarified.
She remembered that she is both Mother and Maker, Root and Flame, Soft and Sovereign.
So, it finally happened… I saw someone who truly saw me.
Not the physical me but the me on the inside.He stared at me from across the room with curiosity and admiration. His curiosity didn’t make me shrink – I unfolded like a tulip mid-spring.
Instead of undressing me with his eyes he covered me with dignity – I’ve never seen that done before.
My presence was his pleasure and his was my anchor – standing too close wasn’t close enough, I wanted to feel his essence wrap itself around my heart.
His energy yearned for me and I yearned for his but we treaded carefully not out fear but out of care for each other’s heart, we wanted to savor the energetic intimacy like the sweetness of candy that you melt slowly on your tongue, wishing it could last forever.
Our interactions felt effortless, light, fulfilling and gentle. He didn’t have to utter a word. The silence between us wasn’t empty. It was alive It carried the weight of things we didn’t dare speak yet. Every glance was a conversation, every breath an exchange. It was as if his energy was gently knocking on the door of mine, not to invade, but to be invited in.
I could feel the pull, not in my body, but in my spirit. A soft magnetism that didn’t demand or insist; it just existed. It asked nothing of me, yet offered everything. Being near him felt like standing barefoot on sacred ground. There was no rush, no pressure—just presence.
When I experience emotions like sadness, anger, and even JOY, I feel them on a more intense level than the average person. It’s not because I choose to; it’s just how my brain is wired. Over the years, I have learned to manage how I respond to the intensity, but I still feel it. Due to my low levels of dopamine, I actively search for healthy ways to increase it consciously and subconsciously. Consciously, I replay a song I like over and over again, I try to spend as much time alone as I can, or I go on nature walks. Subconsciously, I suck my thumb, play with my ear, or someone’s elbow (don’t worry, these people are usually people I know). Most of the time, the thumb sucking and ear touching are paired with popping my other thumb. I’m not sure why, but if I had to guess, I would assume it’s some sort of sensory-seeking pattern. The way my fingertips search for a spot that’s just cold enough to calm me is a little ritual I never outgrew, and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t. I’d probably be in a “special” home if I had. When I bend my thumb just right until it makes a popping sound, it’s not a knuckle crack; it’s something else. A sound that feels like a small exhale. It’s strange, maybe. But it’s mine. And in those small moments, it brings me a joy that doesn’t ask for explanation.
Some months ago, for some random reason I became fixated on aviation. I’ve never had the desire to be a pilot before that. I went all the way, researching the field, looking for programs/schools, joining social media groups, events, and discovery flights. I went full force until I went for the AME (Aviation Medical Exam). I was told I failed the vision part of the exam and needed to pay a visit to the eye doctor to see if it could be corrected. It couldn’t. It was beyond repair, so I was told. I didn’t fight it; I knew I was visually impaired but not to the extent of it being irreversible. I cried for a good day and a half, but I eventually let it go. It’s already a dangerous profession, and I didn’t want my blindness adding to the risk factor. Anyway, I would have been denied by the FAA anyway.
Some of my most recent curiosities have been everything, really, especially financial wellness because, as stated in a previous post, I am unwell. God forbid a girl wants to live like money grows on trees.
I was walking around being the sunshine of everyone’s day when I stopped to chat with my coworker and at some point the conversation shifted to the topic of death. She curiously asked what I thought happened after someone transitions. My automatic response was to say “I don’t know” but that’s because I haven’t died in a while and I can’t seem to remember what it’s like.
So I told her what I thought:
I said “I personally do not think death is “the end” in fact, I believe it to be the beginning. I imagine it to be similar to waking up from a dream except the life you’re living is the dream and dying would be you awakening from it.”
She responds, “Don’t you believe in Heaven and Hell?”
I never got the chance to answer her fully but it got my gears going.
I don’t believe in people going to either heaven or hell, well at least not how religion describes it. Traditionally, hell is where you go to be tormented and separated from god whereas Heaven is the place you get to go be with God for having good behavior so to speak. I beg to differ, you mean to tell me I have to wait to die to see heaven instead of just creating here?!?
I’ll take NO for 500 Alex .
My opinion is heaven and hell is already here and they are not destinations or a place you go they are experiences of how close or how far we are from our truest self.
HELL -is abandoning yourself, silencing your intuition, ignoring your body or being trapped in patterns you know are hurting you but can’t seem to escape. It’s not some lake of fire, it’s disconnection and forgetting you matter.
On the contrary, HEAVEN -is when you speak your truth and it sets something inside free. It’s when your choices reflect your worth and not your fear. It’s clarity, connection and remembering.
So in short, your body is just the vessel that houses the real you and when your vessel dies, the real you returns to the spiritual realm. That’s it.
BUT
Now that I’m writing this out, I never thought of this but what if when people say they are awakening , they mean they are “remembering” they are creating heaven for themselves ?🧐
I probably sound like a crazy person to some right now but since everyone else can believe in whatever they want, so can I!
When I answer these questions I can’t help to think about the children who leave this earth without ever having the opportunity to create it for themselves but I’d love to believe that when those children pass on they are met by something so loving and actually all knowing that it undoes the lie that they were ever unworthy. They may never get justice through courts or punishment but I hope through people like me we will choose to feel it and allow it to transform us. We become the healers, the protectors and truth tellers.
How would you describe yourself to someone who can’t see you?
If they asked and only if they’d ask I’d say…
I’m slim thick wit a fat ah—-
I’m just kidding (not really) 🤭
But by the time they would have asked me to describe what I looked like, they would have already felt how beautiful my spirit and energy was.
I’m tall, a smidge taller than an average American man and I wear it beautifully. Coily brown hair but the style depends on my mood, the weather and my activities for the day. Sometimes it’s straight, braided, twisted, space buns, top knot, Bantu knots, half up-half down. It’s NEVER completely down in the summer. But I ALWAYS have my swoops or what others may call (baby hairs). I’d allow them to GENTLY feel it to guess the style.
I have blemishes here and there but I have smooth brown skin and teddy bear brown eyes. I’ve been told I smell like chocolate and essential oils. Perfectly arched (colored in) eyebrows, lips lined with two different liners and a coat of gloss to top off my signature. I have a cute button nose that turns red in the winter. I have slightly larger than average ears but it fits my face fine… now at least. Earrings are a must and I wear them religiously.
My teeth a really straight and I have a smile that is quite large, I’m one of those people whose top lip disappears and cheeks grow 3x their size when I smile. I love it. So would they, I think.
Write about a random act of kindness you’ve done for someone.
You ever been standing in line behind someone and their card declines or they stand there searching through their purse of wallet for a little too long and you can see they panic set in their face? Yea, well that’s me. I don’t carry purses but I have an over the shoulder wallet that I use or an actual backpack and it’s never organized. I panic every time it’s my turn to pay. I stand there searching through my purse looking for a card to use but it’s barely anything on any of them. At this point I’m swiping with my fingers crossed.
That’s my life now. I should be ashamed but I’m not. Shame is useless in this case. Feeling ashamed would suggest my worth has dropped because of it and I am not my circumstances However, I do take accountability.
BUT there was a time when I had more than enough. And my favorite thing to do was randomly help strangers any chance I got. No real reason why other than it felt like something I was supposed to do, not like in an obligatory way but in a this is what feels right to my spirit kind of way. I don’t think about money being this thing I hold onto, I think of it as a tool to help people. So a lot of the times I used it for that.
Once, I stood in the self checkout line behind what seemed to be a father and daughter. I didn’t analyze them too much and I didn’t make any assumptions about their situation. I simply asked if they would allow me to pay for the items, they looked at me in confusion and after some hesitancy and my insistence the father agreed. I paid for their items and went about my day.
Now, if you’re wondering if my instinct to help random strangers has caused the financial dumpster fire I’m in, it’s not lol.
There are things that I’ve buried so deep that I forgot they once had names. Versions of me that couldn’t survive where I was planted. Feelings that I was told were too much. Dreams I was told were not enough or attainable. I buried them, not to forget-but to protect what was left of me. By the age of 8 me and my mask became one and I couldn’t tell the difference between the two and no one else could either. I liked it that way. Navigating the turbulent waters of my life, their life and the life I wanted was hard, but my mask was one hell of a shield. Life gave me lots of lemons but only for a moment did I allow it to turn me sour. The loss of a parent, homelessness, a parent too busy finding their way to help me find mine, longing needing, begging and pleading for the love and admiration I needed and never got. I gave pieces of me to keep the peace but peace was never offered to me.
The Soil-What Came From the Darkness
Fast forward somewhere between survival and surrender, things began to grow. Not in sunlight, but in shadow. Strength with roots. Love that didn’t need approval. In my womb grew my first-born son, a child I didn’t know would become my mirror. I saw in him what I buried years before him- tenderness, sensitivity, longing and light. And there it was again unearthing, demanding to be felt -whether it be by me, by him or both. He became my turning point. Unconditional love for my son turned me inward. He made the invisible visible. Healing didn’t arrive as a breakthrough- it unfolded like a soft undoing. And I didn’t bloom despite the burial. I bloomed because of it.
The Flowers- What You Carry Forward
The graveyard became a garden. I no longer mourn what I buried- I bless it. Without those losses, I wouldn’t have bloomed with this kind of beauty. Not the delicate kind. The kind that grows in truth, in shadow, in solitude. The parts of me that I gave away to be accepted taught me how to return home to myself. The parts I softened or silences became seeds. And the girl who once begged for peace became the woman who plants it. Now I carry forward a beauty that doesn’t fear being misunderstood and a voice that no longer asks for permission to exist. This is what bloomed over what was lost. And it’s more alive than anything I once tried to become to survive.
Now I know: nothing I lost was ever greater than what I found in myself
Strategies you ask? HA! No strategies here just HOPE and random sparks of inspiration.
HEALTH
February 2025, I RE-STARTED my health journey as a random way to challenge myself. I wanted to see if I could bring to life a healthier version of me. The first thing I did was fast. Not sure why, but it’s what I felt I needed to experience to get started. From there I began removing all unhealthy foods from my fridge and cupboards. The way my brain works, if it was out of sight, it was out of mind (I had no desire to eat things that weren’t in my face). I replaced all that food with healthy options I knew I’d actually eat (when I got hungry, I made do with the healthy options I had already available). Do you see where I’m going with this? For the not-so-healthy stuff I enjoyed, I simply swapped them for healthy alternatives. For example, I like yogurt, and instead of eating the ones with added sugars, I swapped it for nonfat Greek yogurt. I hate the way it tastes, so I’d enhance it using raw honey, granola, and fruits (so delicious). With that said, I cut out as much sugar as I possibly could and avoided anything with added sugars like pops, juice, tea, prepackaged treats, etc. I maintained my water intake, which was already optimal. I increased my protein by eating foods like eggs, shrimp, salmon, and chicken, and having protein smoothies from a local café when I wanted something quick in the mornings. I cut out processed foods as much as I could and only ate when I felt hungry and not when I felt like “I could eat that” just because it was in my face. I stopped eating when I comfortably felt full and not like a pufferfish. I took advantage of free programs my place of employment offered, like Wondr and Cylinder (highly recommend), to keep the inspiration steady, learn valuable skills, and keep track of my progress. In the moments I felt like “it wouldn’t hurt if I had a juicy burger from Portillo’s,” I reminded myself not to do things that would counteract my goal of trying to lose weight. In my moments of weakness, this is what kept me steadfast and in check the most. As of today, I am 31 lbs down!
THINGS I DID NOT DO
I DID NOT count my calories (I mentally chose food options that were low in calories, but I did not actually count and keep track)
I DID NOT cut carbs (In fact I had them with every meal, I was just sure to balance them with protein fruits and veggies)
I DID NOT exercise (I consciously increased my movement meaning instead of taking the elevator I’d take the stairs if they were an option but no traditional exercise)
I DID NOT punish myself for falling off track (In moments where I failed to portion control or ate without balancing my meals I would just simply and quickly get back on track
I DID NOT cut out everything I loved (There was no way in hell I was cutting off everything I loved because when my luteal phase hit, baby, anything could get eaten. I just learned to love healthier things.)
WELL-BEING
In this phase of my life, I’m unlearning the habit of SELF-ABANDONING. I’ve been a professional self-abandoner for quite some time now, and although I haven’t pinpointed exactly how this habit was birthed, I’ve at least been able to recognize how unhealthy it is to my well-being and when and how it shows up. It looked like saying yes when I wanted to say no and ignoring mistreatment in order to keep the peace and, in some cases, the presence. So as of late, I’ve been practicing. I no longer allow mistreatment to keep peace or presence. I say no in the moments I want to say fuck no, and I don’t overextend myself to people who cannot or will not meet me halfway. These may not seem like big changes, but I can already see the shift in my relationships. I don’t leave interactions feeling empty anymore. This is new for me, and it’s taking my nervous system some time to adjust. Slowly but surely.
In Quest of Her 