In Quest of Her

What do you listen to while you work?

Depends on the mood I’m in and the goal I’m trying to achieve for the day. Lately, classical music has aided me in getting whatever job done.

In high school I played violin in Orchestra and while I enjoyed learning the instrument, I was never a huge fan of the genre itself.

It was until recently that I came across a composer sharing a piece of his that literally made me want to explode into glitter. It’s like I could feel the dopamine flood my brain and gently embrace it. It was profoundly the most beautiful piece of music I’ve ever heard and I wanted to hear more like it. I searched and so far I’ve come across a few composers I really like whose score is on repeat ESPECIALLY when I’m working.

One thing I learned about having ADHD and being sensory seeking, music just hits so different for me. I’m able to lock into every instrument and every sound and thanks to something called (frisson– a neurochemical reaction tied to intense emotional stimulation) I’m able to feel it so deeply.

If you’re interested in knowing which song I’m referring to it’s called Firn by Julien Verschooris. Give it a listen and tell me what you think. Did you feel it?

How do you practice self-care

Destroy to Become

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“To become the person you want to be you must destroy the person you are.”

I’m currently destroying everything I thought I was- to become who I know I’m meant to be.

What self-care used to look like

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Self care for me looked like taking the day off and ceasing the urge to be “productive” occasionally.

It looked like eating healthy and wholesome food to properly nourish my body.

“Everything showers” were a must at least once a month. (The girlies know what I’m referring to when I say that, if you don’t know…well, too bad.)

It looked like going to therapy to help work through things I couldn’t alone; It’s amazing the things you learn about yourself when you’re in a safe space to express openly.

Exercising with dance and longs walks in nature.

Saying absolutely the fuck not when I wanted to say no instead of consistently overriding how I felt to appease others.

I self cared so hard I rose in love with myself.

Then… I hit a wall.

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I thought I’d done all the work necessary but that illusion crumbled before me.

There were things and people I no longer aligned with but the love and attachment kept me tethered even though my intuition had me chocked at the collar.

My Higher Self Stepped In

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I ignored her for a while- well I tried to at least but before I knew it, when she couldn’t reach me in my waking life, she flooded me with dream that woke me up in tears. No, not a tear or two but gut wrenching sobs from the pits of my soul like my body knew the truth my mind was refusing to accept.

I was forced to keep my eyes open when I literally wanted to glue them shut because “what do you burn it all down? Isn’t there another way?”

The Truth I Couldn’t Ignore

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If I did not take heed it was made clear that I’d spend the rest of my life in deep regret, stuck in a loop of almosts and emotional debt. That was a risk I was unwilling to take.

My children are watching.

I’ve been burning down my life for at least a month now and it feels like I’m taking a thousand steps backwards but something in me (my higher self) is reminding me that it’s only to be a million steps ahead later

I am no longer tending to the versions of me that were built to survive. I am walking forward and barefoot into the life I was born to claim.; from the ashes I WILL RISE.

Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?

No one can be you better than, YOU.

In that sense, everyone is unique. However, those who truly embody this truth—who deeply overstand it—stand out the most.

They radiate confidence, fully aware that there is no one quite like them. Their identity isn’t shaped by external opinions but by an unshakable understanding of who they are. They move through the world as whoever or whatever they choose to be, untouchable by the judgments of others.

To me, those are the most unique people.

Where would you go on a shopping spree?

My little ❤️ got excited just reading this prompt.

“The Container Store”

The way cleaning, organizing, alphabetizing and color coding scratches that itch in my brain is orgasmic.

It’s THEE (my) ULTIMATE hyper- fixation

Thinking about all the things in my home that I could stock and arrange with the containers from there is literally….

A damn dream 😑

Because I can’t afford that place.

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

Not that it was difficult because I didn’t want to let go, rather it was difficult because I was initially afraid of how others would judge or perceive me.

Now… I’ve never been the type to be easily swayed in one direction or another because of another’s opinion of me but there were the opinions of my family and friends that mattered to me and for a moment and I mean for a moment, I struggled to imagine disappointing them.

That phase was my religious phase.

The day came where I denounced my Christian/Baptist faith. They wondered why of course and my answer was always: “I got tired of being in a abusive relationship with the God of that religion”

It was heartbreaking watching family and friends look at me in disgust as if somehow my lack of faith made my lifelong proven track record of being a good person null and void.

It was also freeing being released of the shackles of fear, shame and control. According to them I was on an express train straight to Hell but if that’s where Im meant to go for simply not adopting the teachings of Christianity despite my heart and character, then so be it.

Because that is NOT love, it’s MANIPULATION.

Do you believe in fate/destiny?

If this question is asking if i believe there’s a predetermined plan or path for life no matter the choices someone makes, then that means I would have to believe something or someone is responsible for determining it so I’m inclined to say…

YES.

Maybe life is like CHOOSING to write a book in PERMANENT ink. While you can’t go back and erase what you’ve already wrote, you can always change the story at any given moment.

Do you need a break? From what?

I turned 31 this year (Jan.)🎉🥳

Every birthday I make it my business to escape everything momentarily to return to, me.

I leave work, I leave my kids, I leave my friends and other family.

I pick a place I’d like to visit, I buy my plane ticket and then I leave.

This year I picked Oregon. Why? Well, because it seemed like a place where I could find solace.

And, I was right.

My birthday is the only time of the year where I’m granted time away from everything and everyone and I don’t feel guilty about it.

I did all my favorite things and even tried some new things.

I went hiking to the most beautiful waterfall I’ve ever laid eyes on (as seen above). I got dressed up and went to a fancy dinner, I drove about 1.5 hour outside of where I was staying to build a terrarium with a 70 year old hippie, I visited the famous Japanese Gardens and then tried some of Portlands most delicious food and sweets. It was magical focusing only on what my heart desired.

If you could un-invent something, what would it be?

Easy.

Religion.

I assume the goal of it is to give people a moral compass, form and nurture a connection to source or God, build community and maybe even along the way figure out life’s purpose.

Im inclined to believe that it doesn’t take “faith” to teach people how to be decent people. It takes decent people to teach people how to be decent people. But perhaps no one wants the responsibility?

People who are only kind or “good” because a doctrine tells them to be OR ELSE…doesn’t sound like a genuinely kind person. It sounds like someone who has only been taught to fear the consequences rather than someone who has been guided by example.

Anyways, since there’s no way for me to tell you what kind of world we’d live in if it didn’t exist, I speculate it would either the same as it is now or better but definitely not worse.

Our moral and ethical framework would likely come from philosophy and humanism. Our community and social structures would possibly be constructed from our cultures and traditions. People would probably seek connection through alternative means by way of meditation or nature thus creating a profound inner standing of oneself AND deepening their connection to God or source because let’s not forget that we are created in ITS image.

Whatever the religion, the goal is seems to be consistent throughout in wanting to gain meaning understanding and connection. I can’t help but notice that the majority has yet to obtain neither.

What is your all time favorite automobile?

My favorite automobile is The ultimate driving machine of course. But since my salary would never allow me afford such car Acura is next in line as a favorite. They have great technology and it handles quite well for the kind of driver I am (fast, yet very calculated). Aside from that though I think they are very reliable and reasonably priced to be considered “luxury”.