In Quest of Her

I know what heartbreak feels like now.

I thought that if and when it happened it would be by someone I loved deeply or lost forever.

But, no.

If you follow me and/or have read my blog then you know I’m documenting every step of my evolution. I’ve come to face hard truths about myself, my life and the world around me and it has been nothing short of amazing witnessing myself blossom into someone that radiates, life.

The most recent, MOST heart shattering truth I’ve come to face was me learning my purpose.

It seems as though the path I’ve been on has been parallel but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’ve come to learn.

I found that my inevitable desire and aggressive persistence to just be “better” is for the betterment of others. Basically, my personal growth is a must in order for me to be better equipped to assist others in their own character development.

Now, this sounds to be good news right? But There’s something heartbreaking about this.

I came to this conclusion in the midst of a failing relationship.

This was a fairly healthy relationship and I tried to help start him on his own journey of self discovery and healing, but unfortunately he wasn’t interested. I ultimately gave up and I finally taught myself that this path is only traveled by those who desire to and I needed to be okay with that. I wasn’t at first but, I got there.

I started to see him through lenses I’ve never seen before. He appeared to be more sensitive than what he lead me and others to believe. I picked up on possible wounds he had and how that affected how he showed up in our relationship and I began to understand his methods and mindset better than before. I saw him for exactly who he was. The list goes on and despite my own emotional turmoil, I gave him grace, but

MY GOD DID I WANT TO BE ANGRY!

I wanted to be angry at him for not being able to just fix himself! Right then and there.

I wanted to awaken parts of the un-healed seven year old in me and unleash onto him all the pain and frustration I felt but no matter how much I felt it, I couldn’t because in those moments he was “bigger” than all of it.

I had the awareness and the knowledge to help him and myself. He did not.

My own pain and disappointment from the breakup wasn’t enough for me to cry for myself. The only person I could cry for was him. I cried for the parts of himself he hasn’t even discovered and probably never will.

This scared me because I realized that it’s very possible for me to live my life surrounded by people who would never understand themselves deeply enough to meet me there.

Being able to craft a beautiful story but never being the main character in anyone else’s is indeed a beautiful tragedy.